gu.e: what's left out

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(so far)

A month ago, I announced gu.e’s first ever Funny Fortune Cookie Sayings contest. People really turned up their creativity and dusted off their warped senses of humor to submit some great sayings.

I asked four guest judges to help: my friends Gregg, Amy, Rachel, and Allison. They volunteered their time and impeccable taste to vote on their favorite entries.

So now, without further ado, I give you 2011’s Top 10 Funny Fortune Cookie Sayings:

1) One could not drown in your depth.
2) You look better on your Facebook.
3) Yes, you should get that checked out.
4) You will be tickled to death on live television.
5) I farted on this cookie.
6) Pay that invoice already before it affects your credit rating.
7) Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.
8) Everyone is insecure.
9) Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.
10) Silly American, you can’t beat the Chinese in either Math or Science, but you sure can eat a lot.

You must be curious about the winner. I don’t know who the person is! “One could not drown…” was submitted on the modern ink blog when they put up a post about the contest. If anyone knows who the mysterious “MSL” is from this post, then please get in contact with me on the guebers Facebook fan page.

In the meantime, I declare our 2nd Place contestant, Mr. James T. Trimble, lead singer of The Dirty Guv’nahs, Winner by Default! (Story of his life, right?)

James, you may send me your mailing address via Facebook to claim your prize, a Genuine gu.e Life Hacking Starter Kit that includes the following 7 items of exceeding utility and good taste:

· Small Moleskine notebook (5.5″x3.5″)…ideal for capturing good ideas on the fly, jotting down to do lists, and recording funny snippets of conversation from daft sorority girls
· Authentic Pilot G-2 gel roller in Fine Point, Blue…suitable for penning young adult fantasy fiction novels and endorsing sizable bank drafts from Amazon Kindle book sales
· Rough Rider peanut pocket knife…perfect for cutting the tag ends of threads off custom-tailored suits, sharpening Ticonderoga pencils, and opening packages of Benton’s bacon
· Roald Dahl’s Danny the Champion of the World…helpful for poaching pheasants, learning how to be a good parent, and reclaiming the sweet innocence of childhood
· Olive & Sinclair’s Mexican Style Cinnamon-Chili Chocolate with 67% cacao…strategic for romancing, endorphin releases, and tastebud titillation
· 1 pound of Benton’s Hickory Smoked Country Bacon…ideal for unforgettable breakfasts, heart disease, and weight gain.
· Bandanna in Royal Blue…necessary for identifying oneself with my gang, wiping one’s brow while chopping wood, and making a tourniquet after a backcountry bear attack

Thanks to everyone who submitted.

Enjoy some more worthy entries below.

{Threat}

· You will be tickled to death on live television.
· If you don’t stop crying, you’re going off this cliff BEFORE the others.
· “I’m going to bury you alive in a box.”

{Dire Warning}

· You look better on your Facebook.
· Your zipper’s down!
· Run! She’s a gold digger!
· That sore on your nipple is going to be the least of your worries if you eat this cookie. If there is no sore, just wait.
· Yes, yes you should get that checked out.
· Your favorite pet will go missing next week.
· The third red light you come to on Tuesday: RUN IT!
· That man over there with the pitch fork: He doesn’t see you yet but he’s definitely here for you.
· I farted on this cookie.
· “Don’t drop the soap!”
· Pay that invoice already before it affects your credit rating.
· We have pictures of you from that night. You should e-mail hjerison@gmail.com

{Insult}

· Fartsniffer
· Did it hurt…when you fell out of the ugly tree?
· Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries.
· Brush your teeth.
· One could not drown in your depth.
· Yo momma is so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles burst out!”
· I obscenity in the milk of your fathers.
· You are the rankest cow that ever pissed.
· Silly American. You can’t beat the Chinese in either Math or Science, but you sure can eat a lot.

{Pick-up Lines}

· You be the Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King; you treat me right and I’ll do it your way.
· Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven.
· Hey. What’s up?
· I can’t believe you’re here! Can you help me figure out what to do with my other two wishes.
· Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.
· Are you a terrorist? ‘Cause you be da’ bomb.

{Um, not exactly sure but still good}

· Everyone is desperately insecure.