Are you single?
Does the prospect of spending the rest of your nights alone in bed fill you with bitterness and despair?
Do you long to be cradled in the burly arms of an underwear model or kindergarten teacher as you drift off into dreams less sweet than your real life?
Boy, have we got a surprise in store for you!
Go ahead and take that vow of celibacy with perfect confidence. Finally end it with your lying, cheating, man-slut scumbag boyfriend.
You won’t need a man once you own the Hug Me Pillow.
For years, you’ve watched from a distance as chronically single men poured out their hearts to and enjoyed a meaningful connection with blow-up plastic dolls. Lars and the Real Girl is proof of that.
But what recourse did you have as a chronically single woman, an aspiring old maid and spinster aunt? While your womb was shriveling and drying up like a puddle in July, you watched all your siblings and friends find companionship, intimacy, sexual fulfillment, and the joy of rearing children.
Now you can enjoy all the benefits of covenantal love without any of the hassles! With your Hug Me Pillow, you never have to sleep in an empty bed again. You know that unoccupied space in your queen-sized that came to signify your discontentment, crushing disappointment, and perpetual heartache? Well, now that void will be filled by a u-shaped pillow with fused fingers and an “incredibly soft microfiber” shirt.
For only $21.97, you can turn your greatest reproach—your inability to remain in a healthy romantic relationship—into the envy of all your friends.
Overstock.com has only 2.5 million Hold Me Pillows available. That the original manufacturer couldn’t sell these premium imported goods is a riddle similar in magnitude to that solved by Oedipus when facing the Sphinx after he murdered his father Laertes but before he married his mother Jocasta.
What you may misinterpret as a misspelling on the web page devoted to this loveable pillow—“piece of mind”—is really a double entendre. When we say “piece of mind,” we mean you’re getting a piece. You’re getting not only the peace of mind that comes from knowing you have money to blow on any piece of garbage that you stumble upon online but also literally a grayish chunk of your brain. For you to even entertain buying this product, someone must have pried open your skull and cut out part of the central control of your body’s nervous system. You have probably begun to lose control of body functions, such as involuntary bowel expulsion, and you may have begun eating the flesh on your fingers.
That’s why this soothing polyester arm and partial torso is perfect for you! This pillow is your soul mate.
Don’t wait. Order today.
Regulate your circadian rhythms, guarantee REM, protect against intruders, kill roaches, mow the lawn, vacation at the beach, pay your mortgage and utilities bill, make beautiful memories, and create a legacy with your Hug Me Pillow—a mail order husband without the price tag.
Read this rave review from Anonymous in Alaska:
“I bought this pillow to keep my company on nights when my husband, a correspondent for the Trans-Alaskan News Network, was out of town. The pillow exceeded even my wildest expectations. I’m told the pillow was modeled after Brad Pitt, and I believe it! When I first nestled against the soft, but firm chest of my new “husband” I slept better than I ever had before. Now I don’t mind when my husband goes out of town!”
Do you want to be truly known and loved for who you are? Find a good church. Do you want a series of one-night stands, no strings attached? Call one of our sales representatives. You can be happy in as little as 4-6 weeks.
Take your place among the ranks of the immortals with the Hug Me Pillow. Get made fun of by your two friends.
This is for real, you sad sack of decaying flesh.
Get out your credit card.
Do as we ask, or we’ll kill everyone you love.