I am clairvoyant

letterToday, the mailman left definitive proof that I am clairvoyant.

He returned a letter I tried to send to my mom because I put the mailing label where the stamp belongs. I also wrote my return address in the upper left-hand corner. Mr. Mailman was kind enough to write “Stamp” and draw an arrow indicating where the postal system expects me to conform to convention.

Upon finding letter, the mailman probably chuckled then congratulated himself on his extraordinary competence and attention to detail. He would never forget to put a stamp on an envelope. He probably called his wife while he was writing “Stamp” on my letter and declaimed the absent-minded baboon whose mail he has the misfortune to deliver every day. His wife probably cooked him a steak dinner and peach cobbler to show him that she was proud of him.

Well, the joke’s on you, Mr. Mailman. I did that on purpose. I sent that letter to see if you were paying attention. I don’t even need the postal system. I can scan documents and send them to my mom faster than you can roll down the window in your mail truck to flick your booger out the window. My letter confirms my worst fears: the postal system is doomed. If mailmen and mailwomen can’t see beyond something as trivial as an unstamped letter, how will they have the vision to adapt to the current technological milieu? Here I give him a letter with perfectly legible script and printed type, and he still can’t deliver it.

My gift resides not only in my ability to predict the demise of an obsolete organization like the Pony Express but also in my ability to envision a world not floundering in the Dark Ages of stamps, but one which uses owls, Passenger Pigeons, butter, and magic to transport our important messages and parchments.

I am clairvoyant: the future is clear: the postal system is doomed.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. Please plan accordingly.

Comments Closed

4 Comments

  1. Gladys
    Posted June 28, 2009 at 9:24 pm | Permalink

    . . . that’s not your real address, is it?

    You knew someone was going to ask that, right? That would further prove your clairvoyance, you know, that the internet is equally doomed. Because now your “letter” can be everywhere, no stamp necessary, of course, but with no privacy either.

  2. Austin L. Church
    Posted July 2, 2009 at 9:16 am | Permalink

    I did wonder if anyone would notice. Once I have some gu.e t-shirts printed, I’ll be sure to send one your way.

  3. Ray
    Posted October 16, 2009 at 5:59 am | Permalink

    This is ridiculous! You need a stamp because the mailing system is paid, otherwise who would bother buying them?
    Also, imagine if there was no standard to the ways of addressing letters… postmen would have to look at different envelope layouts all day long and the whole process would be much harder.
    I bet the postman who wrote “stamp” didn’t think you were an idiot, he probably just thought “Oh, well, that’s a pity” and moved on with his life.

  4. Austin L. Church
    Posted October 27, 2009 at 5:17 pm | Permalink

    Of course it’s ridiculous. That’s the point.