Snuggies

I’d like to express my disappointment in the American people.

How in the name of the Niña, Pinta, and Santa Maria  has Allstar Marketing Group in Hawthorne, NY, sold 4 million Snuggies in under three months?

People want to know why the economy sucks? Everybody’s spending money on these abominations. Rather than save up for a down payment so that they can get a real prime mortgage one day, my countrymen and countrywomen spend $40,000,000 on blankets with arms. I mean, who really keeps a house that cold?

Reasons why Snuggies will hasten the demise of Western Civilization:

· They enable cult leaders and their followers to be more efficient. Rather than spend time making their own special uniforms, they can buy Snuggies and spend the time they save doing more proselytizing on college campuses across the nation. They can drink spiked Kool-Aid, propagate like rabbits, and wait for the mothership or the Feds—whoever gets there first—without their arms ever getting cold!

· They are manufactured in China. Surprise! We’re still exploiting cheap labor sources!

· They skew our concept of value. A direct quote from Scott Boilen, President of Allstar Marketing Group: “It’s a tremendous value in today’s tough economic times. In this type of economy, people are looking for a value, and this is certainly a value at the price point. …People are staying home more, and it makes them feel good” (Source). Who are these people and where did they get their concept of value? Looking like an idiot wearing a fleece garbage bag with arms isn’t my idea of a good value.

· They’re ugly. Look at this woman and her daughter-son. People have no self-respect these days.

picture-1

· They reinforce ignorance. Fred Vanore of Blue Moon Studios, which produced the DRTV ads, speculates that Snuggie sells “because its time has come” (Source). So you mean to tell me that we’ve all been sitting around waiting for the next revolutionary idea or product to make a splash and, no, it wasn’t the cure for cancer, and no, it wasn’t an efficient way to provide water for thirsty people. Let’s see, we have Jesus, String Theory, and next up… a bathrobe and poncho rolled into one. Brilliant, Mr. Vanore. I guess you are laughing all the way to the bank with your El Camino of garments. What would have happened if you guys had brought your frontal labotomies together to come up with a really great idea, like a motorized couch or an alarm that goes off when people aren’t using common sense?

I can’t take it anymore. I’ve got to go for a run and pray that people will use the ten thousand billion synapses in their brains to solve some real problems, not flood the market with more cheap products manufactured in China.

Comments Closed

11 Comments

  1. Kevin Christopher
    Posted February 21, 2009 at 7:10 pm | Permalink

    We here in San Francisco understand, rather, we establish and guide the progress of a yet advanced society. Gather, we empathize with the young daughter-sons and their collective desire for ambiguity. Like our Nordic partners we recognize that humankind is frought with peril over the nonsensical establishment of gender identitites.
    Here in the Snuggie we have a product – we daresay a neutral identity – for all wary travellers of the Mortal Mother. No more hiding your children behind the prisonskins of gender bondage! When your neighbors and friends visit, they must now respect that your daughter-son is not cloaked in cottonformed shame but is released into the Snuggie realm of elemental balance. Your friends can never again tread on your daughter-sons, using words like daughter or son, but now must concede to the great unknown, the great ambiguity of the Mortal Mother’s divine starwish. If you are to contribute to the gaol of all life, that equality and identity all-in-one, you too must wrap yourself and loved ones in Snuggies today.
    Snuggies now sold in Cool Earthroot and Crumbly Clay chemical-free dyes for your optimum health.
    Kevin Christopher, COO
    Berkely, CA

  2. Jay
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 4:46 pm | Permalink

    I bought 3 snuggies this month! BAH ha ha ha ha ha. My grandmother LOVES IT! My mom put it on backwards and was confused on how it was different from a bathrobe. My aunt seemed to have no comment. I blame this all on the American traditions of buying people worthless crap for Valentine’s day and Birthdays. Don’t blame snuggie, it is only a sign of our society.

  3. Austin L. Church
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 5:16 pm | Permalink

    Brilliant. No other word will do.

  4. Austin L. Church
    Posted February 23, 2009 at 5:16 pm | Permalink

    I understand. I don’t blame you.

  5. Posted February 27, 2009 at 11:27 am | Permalink

    I find it heartwarming that others have found the absurdity of this product. The “Other Guy’s Product”—the novel blanket—gets its minute of recognition during the commercial with a black and white lens and depressing music, as if blankets really do make life difficult.

    It’s a blanket with arms.

    But it is cold today. And I only have a quilt to warm myself. I can’t even talk on the phone comfortably.

  6. Posted March 3, 2009 at 11:06 am | Permalink

    My absolutely favorite part about the infomercial is how that woman can make using a REGULAR blanket look like the epitome of inconvenience. Because after thousands of years, a regular blanket JUST WON’T DO.

  7. Austin L. Church
    Posted March 3, 2009 at 1:23 pm | Permalink

    Yeah, blankets… talk about an idea doomed to fail and be replaced by something truly functional.

  8. Posted March 18, 2009 at 12:46 pm | Permalink

    Just watch they will stop making normal blankets soon! I mean really why did it take this long to add seleves to a blanket. Ok im kidding.. I don’t really get it either.

  9. Austin L. Church
    Posted March 18, 2009 at 8:28 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for being such a good sport! : )

  10. B
    Posted June 28, 2009 at 1:05 am | Permalink

    I received a Snuggie for Christmas from an aunt who obviously does not know her beautiful neice because it was a blanket sewn by a tiny Chinese child that was apparently intended for a 6’7″, 300 pound American.

  11. Austin L. Church
    Posted July 2, 2009 at 9:15 am | Permalink

    I’m very sorry about the Snuggie. Since it was a gift, you aren’t obligated to ask for forgiveness.

4 Trackbacks

  1. By Peekaru « Gu.e (pronounced “goo”) on April 2, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    […] to you by the country that gave you Snuggies. ▶ Comment /* 0) { jQuery(‘#comments’).show(”, change_location()); […]

  2. By Terrible Book Title – gu.e: what's left out on March 7, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    […] respond to that kind of thing.” George has been a faithful reader since my first post about Snuggies, so I knew that I might alienate the best part of my tribe in an effort to capture contact […]

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