I’d like to express my disappointment in the American people.
People want to know why the economy sucks? Everybody’s spending money on these abominations. Rather than save up for a down payment so that they can get a real prime mortgage one day, my countrymen and countrywomen spend $40,000,000 on blankets with arms. I mean, who really keeps a house that cold?
Reasons why Snuggies will hasten the demise of Western Civilization:
· They enable cult leaders and their followers to be more efficient. Rather than spend time making their own special uniforms, they can buy Snuggies and spend the time they save doing more proselytizing on college campuses across the nation. They can drink spiked Kool-Aid, propagate like rabbits, and wait for the mothership or the Feds—whoever gets there first—without their arms ever getting cold!
· They are manufactured in China. Surprise! We’re still exploiting cheap labor sources!
· They skew our concept of value. A direct quote from Scott Boilen, President of Allstar Marketing Group: “It’s a tremendous value in today’s tough economic times. In this type of economy, people are looking for a value, and this is certainly a value at the price point. …People are staying home more, and it makes them feel good” (Source). Who are these people and where did they get their concept of value? Looking like an idiot wearing a fleece garbage bag with arms isn’t my idea of a good value.
· They’re ugly. Look at this woman and her daughter-son. People have no self-respect these days.
· They reinforce ignorance. Fred Vanore of Blue Moon Studios, which produced the DRTV ads, speculates that Snuggie sells “because its time has come” (Source). So you mean to tell me that we’ve all been sitting around waiting for the next revolutionary idea or product to make a splash and, no, it wasn’t the cure for cancer, and no, it wasn’t an efficient way to provide water for thirsty people. Let’s see, we have Jesus, String Theory, and next up… a bathrobe and poncho rolled into one. Brilliant, Mr. Vanore. I guess you are laughing all the way to the bank with your El Camino of garments. What would have happened if you guys had brought your frontal labotomies together to come up with a really great idea, like a motorized couch or an alarm that goes off when people aren’t using common sense?
I can’t take it anymore. I’ve got to go for a run and pray that people will use the ten thousand billion synapses in their brains to solve some real problems, not flood the market with more cheap products manufactured in China.